The Great Chocolate Tasting Frenzy! (Chocolate part 3)

8 bars.  3 people.  Multiple glasses of water, and handfuls of blueberries.  Yes, it's the post I promised...I bought 8 bars of chocolate, and corralled my kids into tasting them with me.  Some are good, most were bad...my point is I think companies put weird stuff into chocolate because people will buy it if it's "avant-garde" enough, and I wonder how many actually LIKE the products they are selling??

the chocolate

the judges

I am going to note how the company describes their chocolate, and then give you the "real" deal.  Of course, please realize these are subjective results - I am sure there are people out there that LOVE the ones we hated, so please don't take it personally - take it more as constructive criticism.

Also...about the judges - You know from "Chocolate part one" that I LOVE dark chocolate.  I'll chow down on a 70% bar if it's good.  I feel I'm adventurous, willing to try new things, have an open mind, and I always try to be objective.  If I love something, I am enthusiastic about it - my daughter says too much so, but hey, I want to share the good news with the world!  My son Ben, loves all things chocolate.  He's phlegmatic, easy going, mellow.  Nothing really bothers him, unless his sister punches him in the arm with her pitching arm with the knuckle extended.  Then he gets ticked.  He has an adventuresome palate, because he good naturedly puts up with my experiments in the kitchen, and rarely gives me a thumbs down.  He loves just about everything.  My daughter Meg is the more pragmatic of the bunch.  Organized, overly analytical, yet genuinely optimistic.  A dichotomy.  I think her palate is the same.  She loves gummi anythings, has a sweet tooth, but doesn't like to eat unhealthy foods.  She could easily become a vegetarian.  She's a grazer, where Ben is a gobbler.  Meg likes just about anything as well, and is always willing to try a new dish...Oh...and she doesn't "like" dark chocolate (you will notice that will change by the end of this series)

THE RESULTS: *drum roll* 

Green & Black's Maya Gold - They write: “Traditionally, the Maya Indians in southern Belize flavored their cocoa with spices. We recapture this by blending rich, dark chocolate with a refreshing twist of orange that is perfectly balanced by the warmth of cinnamon, nutmeg and a hint of vanilla.”

What it really should have said: "If you like the smell of flowers, you'll love this chocolate bar.  Don't expect to taste any vanilla or cinnamon - there is a bit of orange and nutmeg for you to savor, but expect a bitter aftertaste."

It would be nice if you could really taste everything that is supposedly in this chocolate bar. We were all put off by the smell – it smelled like flowers. The only thing we could all taste was a bit of nutmeg, orange, and some flowery flavor. No cinnamon, no vanilla. Bitter aftertaste. The flavor wasn’t as bad as we expected – it didn’t taste like it smelled, but we all disliked the aftertaste.

Nirvana Organic Dark Spicy Chocolate Bar - They write: "Ready for some spice? Decadent dark Belgian chocolate (72% cocoa) with chili, almonds, vanilla, nutmeg and cinnamon. This bar is VEGAN."

What it really should have said: "Hey, we know how much you vegans enjoy sacrifice, because you obviously don't eat meat or dairy, so your food life must be boring.  Have some of our chocolate to round out your tasteless diet"

Now...before I get any vegans jumping into my stuff - *I* know you guys don't have a boring diet - Vegetables/legumes/nuts, etc...can be FUN and FLAVORFUL...but this chocolate isn't.  And it appears they are trying to attract the vegans with that declaration - ummm...last time I looked, *all* dark chocolate bars were vegan, unless they had hrm..hard boiled eggs, or cheese in them.  Why make it sound like just yours are?  This bar smelled like chocolate,  kinda tasted like chocolate, but was unanaimously declared rather tasteless by all three judges. There was chocolate flavor, but no cinnamon, no nutmeg (which is usually a predominant spice) no vanilla, no chili.  I think Meg saw a couple flecks of almond in her piece. Sorry, but it wasn't "Nirvana" for us.

Theo Coconut Curry Milk Chocolate - “Milk chocolate with toasted coconut and savory curry spices.”

Ummm...ok...We all began to get worried when I opened the package and the smell of curry hit us like a bug hits a windshield.  SPLAT. I even noticed some yellow curry discoloration on the wrapping paper.  Rut Roh, re in rubble Raggy (as Scooby Doo says)...But...we all took a piece and gamely went on with our testing.  Meg and I spit it out.  Ben said it was "spicy chocolate" - however, we all agreed that the curry powder just overwhelmed the chocolate.  We all love curry (as you can probably tell from my old blog site post) the kids grew up on it, so it's not a taste thing.  I'm sorry to say it was not in my mouth long enough to let you know if there was an aftertaste, etc...You can see coconut flecks, but can't taste it.  Don't let the pretty label fool you.  The contents don't match the packaging. 

Lindt Excellence Chili Bar - “Excellence Chili is an exceptional and entirely new taste experience combining Lindt's finest aromatic dark chocolate with the well balanced spice of premium red chili.”

What it really should have said: "If you like milk chocolate, you'll love this dark chocolate bar, especially if you like it sweet."

This was a very sweet chocolate bar.  It tasted like a cross between milk and dark chocolate - None of us tasted the chili - however, after I finished my piece, I did have a slight burning sensation in my throat - my kids didn't - Meg hates anything spicy, she definitely would have noticed the Chili - I'm not sure if I had a piece with some chili powder in it, and she didn't, not sure.  But it was not picante enough, sorry Lindt.  However, it did taste like chocolate, which is a positive :)

I think that's enough Chocolate for tonight - Tomorrow we'll do Chocolate Part 4 - Up for review are:  Newmans, Salazon, another Theo chocolate, and MacaSure (this one made me laugh - you'll see why tomorrow) allin tuta as they say in the Inca language (that's a hint)

 

Chocolate - part one

I tried to think of a catchy phrase ("Imelda Marcos you're in my whey" was a fleeting moment of genius) but I couldn't think of one...and when you come to think about it, chocolate is very simple.  It's sweet, it tastes good, and it usually only has two main ingredients - cocoa and sugar.  People try to make it complex by adding all sorts of weird stuff to it.

I discovered chocolate waaaaaay before doctors were saying "Ya know, this stuff can be good for you - in moderation".  I loved chocolate as a kid - my mom would give me some coin to spend Sunday after church (I won't tell you how much, cos that would really really date me) and I would get either two small bars, or one large one.  The large one was always a Mounds bar.  Chewy flakes of coconut smothered in a thick layer of sweet, dark chocolate.  I guess that's where my love of dark chocolate was born.  When my grandmother would send me a box of Russell Stover candies for Easter, I would eschew the milk chocolate (except for the coconut crispies) and eat only the dark.  Weird kid, I know.

Somewhere on the journey, I lost my fascination with chocolate.  Why? I dunno.  Maybe it had to do with my stomach problems (not interesting or life threatening, more of an occasional annoyance but one of the reasons I switched to unprocessed, fresh food and why I assiduously avoid green peppers and OJ and overindulgence in milk chocolate), or maybe I just grew up (perish the thought! me? grow up?!), or maybe I had kids, and I wanted them to be healthy, so I got rid of "junk" food.

The dark chocolate fixation never really went away though.  Every so often I would nibble a piece here and there, just to remind myself of what I was missing.  When dark chocolate became the fotm ("Flavor Of the Month" for those uninitiated into internet jargon) I was ecstatic.  I decided to try all variations - I mean...if they made them they had to be good, right?  Ummm....WRONG.  Srsly.

Some of the weirder combos I've tried: 

-Dark chocolate with Bacon.  Yes.  Bacon.  At first glance I thought "EWWWWW", but then I thought - I love bacon, I love dark chocolate.  Bacon is salty, might be good.  It wasn't.  It tasted like chocolate-flavored bacon which is pretty disgusting if you think about putting THAT next to your scrambled eggs in the morning. 

-Dark Chocolate with french bread.  Yup, some Frenchman that had too much wine probably slipped on the wet cobblestones after a night of discussing politics in the local cafe, and the french bread he was carrying fell onto the street, along with the melted bar of chocolate he had been carrying in his pocket all night (melted because the arguments got heated - those French can be quite passionate n'est-ce pas?) I know it sounds crazy, but suspend your disbelief and play along with me...So, he gets up, and being hungry after all that wine, examines his precious baguette and notices the melted chocolate on it.  Nonplussed, he takes a bite and breaks out into a drunken lopsided grin..."Magnifique!!!!!"  Umm...Jacques, sorry to burst your bulle (bubble), but no, stale french bread crumbs in dark chocolate does NOT taste that good.  Really, what were you thinking?

I've seen Dark Chocolate with Lavender but I don't have the guts nor the inclination to plop down $3 to try a bar.  Why? Because I think air freshener scents and chocolate need to remain separate.  Just sayin'.

I've also seen Dark Chocolate with Chili.  I think this could be a possibility - but if I want dark chocolate and chile together, I'll just make some Mole Sauce.  If you've never had homemade Mole, you are missing out - I haven't found a restaurant yet that can make a decent one.  But that's another blog post :)

Since Dark Chocolate is the fotm atm, companies are going to great lengths to tout their products - I had to laugh over reading The Nibble's reviews - was anyone a Seinfeld fan? I think Elaine wrote these descriptions - here's a quote:

the chocolate is strong and stout yet sweet enough to counter the fiery ginger, making the bar as a whole very feisty.

Ooook.  Thanks Nibbles.  Now I have an image in my head of a Green & Black's chocolate bar running around shaking their little cartoon fists at someone.  Feisty.

Vosges (the weird people that give you the Bacon and Chocolate bar) also have one called "Enchanted Mushroom" and for all you hippies out there, no, it is NOT what it sounds like...It's "infused" with reishi mushroom powder, which is one of those "supposed to be good for you" things that no one can explain why it's good for you, but the Japanese have been using it for years, so it must be good (honestly, I think those "health food" fotms are only good for the supplier's wallets - just my opinion)

Dagoba Chocolates also have some unique explanations for their odd pairings.  Perhaps they think if they make it sound exotic/romantic/exciting enough, ppl will plunk down cash for not so great chocolate? (I did - for that Bacon/Choc monstrosity that NO ONE liked - I gave it to five different people - all of them love chocolate, all of them went "EW")   They make one with "Chai essence" and I quote:

Chai tea spices, crystallized ginger and milk chocolate create an enlightened east-west infusion. Enliven your body, mind and soul.

Oooh...who doesn't want to "enliven their soul"?  Wow...let me go out right now and buy one so I too, can become enlightened and enlivened.  Maybe I'll give Buddha a run for his money.

Hmm...this blog turned into a bit of a rant...now, here's the good part.  Salazon Chocolate Company.  "Salazon" means "salted" in Spanish, so they are the "Salted Chocolate Company", and they sell salted chocolate.  OMG Salazon, muchisimas gracias for keepin' it real. Simple chocolate, simply good, organic ingredients, no weird combos with mushrooms and bacon (sounds more like a quiche)  The best chocolate.  Ever.  Reasonably priced.  Delicious.  Unpretentious.

Simple, real descriptions :  "Our original bar with our dark chocolate and our signature touch of sprinkled sea salt."  Nothing like "Explore your passions and taste the exotic - take a walk on the dark side with our chocolate sprinkled with zesty sea salt - spice up your life tonight!"  Ew.  That is SO not Salazon.
"Roam the world.  Eat salted chocolate" now THAT is Salazon :-).   Experience life, live each day to the fullest, and eat chocolate.  What better philosophy to live by?  All you really need to throw in there is "Love each other". 

Salazon has three types of chocolate (all dark):  One with sea salt, one with cracked black pepper, one with turbinado sugar (raw sugar) and sea salt.  All are equally scrumptious.  I have a small piece a day, and tell myself "it's good for you".   The sea salt brings out the chocolately sweetness; the turbinado sugar/salt combo adds more sweetness to those that crave it; the cracked black pepper brings a whole 'nother dimension to the chocolate - the best way I can describe it, is it brings out the "darker" side of the chocolate - the intense cocoa flavor that usually shares the spotlight with the sugar.

I don't work for Salazon.  I didn't even get a free candy bar.  But I do believe in getting good, honest independent companies out there that use fresh ingredients and make a DELICIOUS product.  Hence my romance with Trader Joes, Coffee Fool,  and Salazon.  If you don't have a Whole Foods near you, never fear, you can order Salazon Chocolate online.  Try it just once.  You will probably be cursing me after you do, because you'll be hopelessly hooked (I sent you a couple bars Tina!)

I love a simple, honest product.  Don't go putting weird stuff in chocolate like bacon, or lavender, or chai, or stale bread crumbs.  Put something in it that will enhance the flavor of the chocolate.  After all, isn't that why you bought the bar in the first place?